When You Take Yourself Away
Materials: Gifted stretcher bars, hand-stretched canvas, acrylic paint, probably latex paint, emotional torture, reflection, peace, too many years invested in a bad relationship, misplaced loyalty and dedication, weeks of unprompted silence and distance, watching my mother put up with too much in her marriage
Dimensions: 31x44
Series: The Khalifa Years
Year: 2019
Price: $3,789
I was with someone who would take themselves away during times of struggle. Their silence killed me, and I never knew when it would happen. Suddenly I’d find myself in the middle of loneliness and pain. My love for them never died during these times. it was just pushed to it’s limits. The painful edges of what I could bear.
Normally my work revolves around joy and happiness. Even when I’m delving deep into realizations and life lessons I still try to maintain and project a sense of positivity and uplifting hope. This piece does not try to do that. This piece doesn’t mask the pain I felt during this time in my relationship.
Art started as an outlet for me, and I’ve always expressed myself when I’ve put brush to canvas. I pour myself out, and sometimes it’s the only way to process how I’m feeling.
I don’t want to spread upset throughout the world, that’s not what my art is for, but I do promise to be authentic, and this piece is as emotionally naked, raw, and in keeping of that promise as is possible.
When You Take Yourself Away is missing the “You” in every place where it should be, making it hard to read, making it a phrase you stumble and struggle to get through. Unless you commit to figuring it out, and getting through it, It’s hard to see and understand, yet it’s undeniably there and it is beautiful even with all its holes. This is very much how I felt every time this man disappeared from my life, broke my heart, would return after weeks of silence, say all the right things, only to do it again a few months later.
Once I saw the pattern I didn’t end things, I justified and accepted his absence. I allowed it and suffered through every withdrawn. I never asked ask as many questions upon his return as I wanted to, and we never fully addressed what happened or why he needed that time apart. I was just so happy he’d come back to me that I stepped over everything that pained me. I was committed, but not happy. I was in-love, but not actively shown love in return.
I don’t hold any grudges and I do believe this man actually cared about me (trust me on this one), however, I did finally draw the line on this torture cycle.